Peace By Any Means

It is a hard thing to not take up for yourself. The world asks you "Who else will?" When you take this approach in life you often become labeled as combative, argumentative or even angry. Others remember your time together as that, even if it is not the majority of the time. It's a difficult thing to be positioned in. Especially when you are a victim or perceive yourself to be one. I find myself "standing up" for what is right, for my rights for what I think of as the truth. But is it worth peace? Do you want to be known as the 'uh-oh' person? Do you want to be known as the person that brings peace the every situation? I do, but it is going to take me surrendering to God, allowing him to be my advocate, my savior. It's a work in progress.

Spinning in the Snow

This snow covered weekend has finally come to a rest. All is now right with the world. All of the men in my life are right where they should be :) . However, they talked to me so much that I almost forgot that I missed them!

So...

How do you like the new look??!!

Double Standard

You live your life being who you are, trying to stay true to that. Everyone has a certain set of morals which are usually attached to a certain set of desired outlooks they want the world to perceive about them. Honest people want to be believed. Nice people want to be liked. Mean people want to not be hurt. Angry people want to be left alone. This is not to say that we are one dimensional and only portray one of these. These are mere examples. When people don't line up to your own set of morals, we usually classify them negatively. Honesty is in my opinion the trickiest attribute. We expect everyone to be honest with us. We judge them according to complete honesty. But our vision is skewed. We believe that we are always honest with them or at the very least they don't know when we are not. LOL! Laughable!

When the World Turns Blue...

It's real interesting how we look at the world through our emotions. It's the same world, the same people, the same situations. But because we are either elated or in a funk, nothing looks the same. With a spring in our step and a smile in our heart everything seems to have possibilities. Every situations has a silver lining. Every obstacle is an opportunity for growth. There is a sermon in every 'gone wrong'. You are a conqueror and you have the victory. You are an unstoppable force and warrior for Christ!
What if you flip the page and your heart is broken or your world is upside down, then "the devil is busy", or "Why me Lord?". Every song sings your woes, every word is a testament to your pain. You are 'just going through' and you sing 'nobody knows the trouble I've seen".
But if we really look at it, we can see how God's Joy is a needed aspect in our lives. It is an elation, a happiness that is everlasting, not swayed by circumstances or wrought through emotion. It gives you strength and fuels your 'keep on'. It gives power and true meaning to every cliche spoken. You even have power in your knees when you get down on them and pray. When you have God's joy you ARE more than a conqueror! You DO have the victory and you have the power and strength to walk in it. To be a warrior, you have to stand even when the bullets fly. You have to stand even when your insides are shaking. You have to stand and FIGHT! You will never win by switching sides. When you operate in fear, doubt or in pain instead of through pain, you throw up the white flag and surrender your gun. Don't give up, in deeds or words. Hold tight to God's joy. It is something worth fighting for. Something worth seeking. Something worth holding on to. Get some joy in your life and bring its sister; PEACE!

One - the Loneliest Number - Underlined, Italicised, Bold & Highlighted

Last night was one of those nights when everything is hard to hold on to. My baby went to his first boy/girl dance. He wanted to look nice, nicer than even I expected. I dressed him in slacks and a button up shirt. He came out with Cologne and a tie, saying that he was trying to impress the girl he likes. He wanted his shirt tucked in and he wore a belt. I was so sad, not because he is growning up :'( but because I know some little girl is going to break his heart and change him a little. I have no control over his heart. I have no control over inconsiderate little fast tail girls. I want him to not have heart break, to not have pain. I'm a Mama. Its useless to try and fight it.

Not only that, I'm a hostage of frozen flecks of ice! So, I'm here with plenty of food and plenty of movies; BUT STILL STUCK!

Lines That Connect, Ties That Bind

There were three sisters, each thinking that they were the favorite of their mother, liked to brag to the other two sisters. Since bragging was not a lady like thing to do, they each devised a plan to "show off" their new possessions given to them by their dear mother. One sister had received a sparking new ring. One sister acquired a pair of expensive earrings. While the third sister walked proudly in her brand new shoes. As they gathered together, the sister with the new ring pointed to an imaginary spider with her ring extended saying in a sugary drawl, "There's a spider". The sister with the new shoes responded as she gracefully put out her new shod foot shaking her heel back and forth singing, "must I mash him?". The sister with earrings replied in a knowing whine, moving her head side to side putting a finger behind each lobe as it made an appearance saying "no, no, no". The sisters were too consumed with their gifts that they never noticed the others gifts.

Other than, vanity makes you blind to others' gifts, I've never really figured out the moral of this story told to me by my grand mother, but it has become a family "thing". We don't even have to finish the story. When anyone gets something new we simply say "there's a spider" and we ALL know what we are talking about.

Its these kinds of things that make family family. The shared knowledge of each other, a collective sigh at the same things, a tradition that becomes second nature or a story that connects the generations. "Mama" maybe gone home to be with the Lord, but her stories are here alive and kicking just like her!

Supernatural Exits

There are certain things you go through that once you are on the other side, you will never be the same and you will not be able to help or stop the change in you. Once you go into labor and have a baby, you will forever be a mother. It does not matter if the baby survives, if you don't keep him or her, if it hates you from that day forward. You will still, with no hope of reprieve, be a mother. Once an appendage is amputated, no matter how many prosthesis you are fitted for or how many chairs you roll in, you will forever be without that limb. Likewise there are some encounters with God that will forever change you. Once you come out on the other side, you will not have a chance to go back. You and those around you will know that God has touched your life. A lions' den experience. A red sea moment. You will know that your survival had nothing to do with anything but Him. The mere fact that you are walking out of a smoking building, it being engulfed in flames is a shout to the world that God reigns. How can it be? they will say. How is it possible?, they should have been dead!...but God. The timbers are burning up around me. My lungs are singeing with acidic soot. I am in the fiery furnace and yet I know that I am on auto pilot. I will run on and see what the end will be. I have a ton of cliches to fit here, but what I want to impart is that I will be used for God's purpose and it seems its as I will be if I like it or not. So I'm trying to stop flailing about, and just float with Him.

Loud & Clear

Some people hear a still small voice on a regular basis. I, on the other hand, must ignore it because God's method of choice to speak to me, or rather my method of listening, is by examples. While I'm certain that He has tried to get to me through whispering in my ear or by unctions deep in my gut, my life has been too noisy or my head too hard for me to hear. Obviously! So, because I am one of His most hard-headed children he 'shows' me things. For the past 6 years I have been running laps on the subject of obedience. I say running laps because I guess, I'm just not getting it. Over and over He shows me how to behave through my children. Not because they are angels, just the opposite. Well, not opposite, but indeed no angels. Every lecture, every talking to, every punishment I dole out to them I hear Him (in that small voice that I should have listened to earlier) say "This is how you treat me" or "Use your name instead of theirs" As a parent I have to continue my lessons to them, but man it stings, because it's really me I'm preaching to. A bitter pill to swallow.
Lately, I have been running the faith lap. I have been put into a position to exercise faith in an area that is important to me but harder than you can imagine. I have been put into a situation to have faith in something when everything says not to. When it looks impossible. All I hear God saying is "I am requiring you to have faith in me in situations more impossible than this" A bitter pill to swallow - again. Through this faith lap, I have been handed the baton of forgiveness. This I believed was a conquered area. I have since learned that I just have not had opportunities to forgive. I have only been spared that particular thorn. Until NOW. However, in this season of accountability in my life, I need to be on a different level. A level that requires more growth, more than just foundational faith. But the kind of faith and obedience in God that will draw others to Him, that will effectively stand in the gap for those in need of prayer, that will lay hands on the sick that can fight satan with no fear. I have to have a testimony that will encourage others specifically, not just a "God is good" kind of report. He wants me to say I was in your exact shoes. He did if for me, He can do it for you. I had that same bill. He did it for me, He can do it for you. I was hurt that same way. He did it for me, He can do it for you. Somebody out there needs me to be accountable to God in my life for their survival. Will I stand up? Will I do it for Christ? Somebody did it for me.

Be Careful For What You Pray For, God is Swift on the Up Take!

whoever said that God was slow has never been on their knees praying for a growth in a self confronted improvement. Try praying for patience. You can bet that someone is going to cut you off on the highway or traffic will be awful. You can be sure that your children will not only act up but turn into high sugared little crazy people. Try praying for a clean heart. Thought of kicking your boss or keeping the wallet you found will flood your mind. Try praying to be a better steward over your money. Every bill that could possibly come out will be due all at once and all of this on a check that has about 33 hours of leave without pay! Try praying to be delivered from unforgiveness and watch there be more instances to extend it than you can shake a stick at! It will seem that everyone will hurt you, steal from you, lie to you and not be sorry at all. So not only are you being tested in forgiveness, but then they don't even deserve it!! The worst part of it all is that we as humans will react instead of responding.

I thank God for grace and HIS forgiveness because I don't always get it right. Some days I don't even want to (clean heart part), but He is faithful to grow me and strengthen me.

WOW!

Today someone told me that not only was I not feminine and that I was 'as mean as a bag of acorns' LMBO!!! I don't even know what to say about that. Sheesh!

Do They Come With Sauce?

Nicky-ism: the boys are laying on the couch under the cover. One at each end. Xa is all stretched out reading a book. Nicky is playing with dinosaures, stretched out as well. Suddenly, I hear Nicky say "Hey Xa get you feet off of my 'chicken tenders' " All I could do was leave the room. I don't know what to do with him!

Hot Foot

One the road of life during the many stops and turns you make, the streets and byways you travel, its never OK to toss a cocktail behind you and burn a bridge after you've crossed it. no matter how tempting. No matter how easy, no matter how many books you've read on how to do it. Why? because not only will others cross after you but you may have to go that way again, and again. When you are kind to your enemies or even to the ones that have just done you wrong, you allow God to be God. Keep working for Him, keep learning of Him and He will take care of your life. He will not only work on that person to make them a better them but he may use them to bless you. He may use their wronging of you to encourage someone else in their shoes (not yours). That person my wind up being your blessing or at the very least your lesson. See, if they are to be punished, that's God's job, oh He can do it much better than you. If they are to be converted (which is usually the case) it will have little to do with your worldly punishments but with God's grace being extended to them. They will be forgiven by God, even before they ask and waaay before they deserve it. If you are walking like God will you forgive them? Will you wait until it feels good? or will you please the Lord? I have been tried in unforgiveness lately. I once said that the absence of a reason to not trust does not equal trust. Like wise the absence of instances to forgive does not mean you have conquered that thing. It only means that you have had no opportunity to extend forgiveness. If you are to be put on the wheel should I... I mean you expect to be tried in every area that we don't have victory? Sure the fire burns but oh when you come out...like pure gold.
Just a note to encourge me...I mean you. Learn your lesson and learn it well, get off the track and stop running laps, instead, run tell somebody (of His goodness)

Geeze!

I hate washing dishes. I don't know what else to say!

Sometimes Bravery Has No Immediate Rewards

If a house was on fire and you knew there to be a family inside, will you be the one to run in and save them? Do you call the fire department? Do you become a spectator while someone else takes charge of the situation when you are the best person for the job? Or do you pray that they just walk out alive?

The other day I walked into a burning building and saved myself. I pulled out my self esteem, my integrity, my heart and my peace of mind. I could not allow myself to go up in flames. However the damage I experienced from the rescue lingers on. Smoke inhalation, 3rd degree burns, post traumatic stress, broken bones, fatigue = loneliness, regret, fear, anger, hurt, jealousy. Sometimes you have to be the one to take charge of your own life. Sometimes you have to make a hard decision to save yourself. You cant wait for others to begin to do right, or begin to walk right or begin to see it like you do. You can't wait for it to "work itself out" or for the dust to settle. You may perish in that time. You may damage the very thing the Lord has told you to protect. So, while the pain in the midst of doing what I know to be right is fresh and new and raw, with no end in sight, I have to fight for my sanity, for my peace. I had to take it by force. The wilderness is not a fun place to be...

I just don't know which is worse. The fire or the rescue. I'm waiting to see the results of my rescue. Waiting to see the Lord.

In the mean time; My heart wants to stop beating, but that is not an option. I would like to hide or hibernate; again, not an option. I'm not sure how people without the Lord in their life deal with anything. My hope is what keeps me going. Otherwise...

I know I'm pretty vague right now, but this is meant as a word of encouragement to all of those that feel taking a step away is harder than staying. Fight for yourself. Fight for your right to be happy and at peace. Remember the old cliche "if it was yours to begin with or if it was meant to be, it will come back to you" Hold on to hope in God though, not in man.

Peace people, peace.

...

So much has gone on since the last time I wrote to you. I'm not sure how to express it all. I will say that life teaches you things that you never wanted to learn. Disappointments are greatest when you have the most the win. Inevitably having the most to win means you have much to lose. I never thought of myself as a gambler, or a huge risk taker for the vast majority of my life. However, a romantic is indeed the biggest risk taker of them all. I never realized it before. Every time I say I love you, I risk my entire heart for a small chance to have it filled with a helpmate's smile. Every time I allow someone into who I am, I throw the dice. Its all because of free will. Even God wont make people behave in the way He desires. It has to be their choice. So, I love. Without restraint, without a boundery and I always will. I am never sorry that I'm this way. I'm never sorry that I love completely. It is who I am and, who God made me to be. I like that about me. So while my heart teeters on a small, narrow stick, high above the clouds, I will continue on in who I am because God always heals me. He always keeps me and I am grateful. In His time my heart will mend, as it always does. In His time 'the one' will walk through that door. In His time it will all work out. When joy comes in the morning. I be there waiting on it with open arms. But i'm not changing the core me not for this world. Who am I? A romantic. A solider. An optimist. A perseverer. A child of the Most High.

Spinning Top

I have been on a search for who I am and what I am to do in this world. Praying and praying, searching and searching. I've found no answer yet. I am a contributor by nature, an 'in the mix' kind of gal. I'd rather be apart of 'it' than complain about it. I help, I work. I seem to be a jack of all trades and being a master of none. I know words are a branch of me and food is a branch of me, but what is the tree? What does it benefit the world? Now, having a very high self esteem is tiresome to a degree. There are occasions where I have to fight what feels like a fist fight to stay convinced of my greatness, my cuteness, my ability. I'm yanking down thoughts, words, situations and the like just to be able to hold my head up, to not let grief consume me. Face it folks a life without God is downright depressing. How do they survive??!! How are they out there all Willy-nilly?
Still my search continues and in the meantime I 'occupy' I put in where needed, I sweep, I pick up, I type, I fetch, I find. I pluck, I wax, I bathe, I brush. I teach, I cook, I love, I encourage, I explain. I fix, I make, I watch, I listen, I answer, I forgive, I remember for everyone and everything around me. Its tiresome being me, being saved, being Mommy, girlfriend, daughter, co-worker, being me, being quiet.
The centrifugal force of my motions keeps it all in the air, the moment I slow down, stop, or breathe, it all comes crashing down. So, getting tired is not really an option, I have to rely on the strength of God to keep my spinning, keep me focused, keep me sane. With it all written and confessed, I can only say thank you! Thank you for being MY God.

Something Like the Bubble Guts

My entire insides seem to have turned into a moving mass. I can not begin to feel settled with them churning and worrying me in this manner. When you feel this way you can do nothing except seek the Lord. Study harder, more, longer. Search inside for that still, small voice to answer your questions. Pray for clarity and truth and wisdom.
Lord I know you lead and guide me into all truths. Please settle my spirit and give me the wisdom to know your way, your voice. Give me plain and clear instructions. Pick me up and turn me around if you have to, point me in the right direction. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

Quickly

My children not only wake up weirdly, but they sleep walk. Today when I woke Xa up to get ready for school, as he changed his socks, he told me that Nicky's tooth some how got in there. I'm rushing to inspect Nicky's mouth, looking for a bloody, pulpy hole. I found nothing missing. I look over at my standing, still sleep child and ask him to hand me the 'tooth'. Which turned out to be a piece of french fry. Just another morning with my boys...

The Absence of a Reason, Does Not Thrust You Into That Actuality

Ever been in the middle of answering a question with your standard answer or with what you have always known to be true, just to realize in the middle of said answer. that none of it is true anymore? You're not only wondering when it happened but what is it that is now true, what do you really believe. In the middle of some question, I realized that my definition of trust had changed. I had been believing that I was trusting people because I had no reason to not trust them. While running this through my mind in an effort to answer another question posed by Mr. Hi Hat, I suddenly understood that I trust him because of who he is, his heart, his proven integrity, his proven faithfulness and most of all because I trust God. I have plenty of reasons to not trust him, so the absence of reasons was not a factor. Despite it all he has my trust because I know him, his heart and I believe him, his words. Its not new, its been tried, its been through some things, its been knocked around a bit, but its still standing. Solid. God is the funniest. I don't think I have ever really trusted anyone else. I'm sure it doesn't always take 21 years to trust someone, but like love, its not instant nor is it easy.

Overtaken Me

Have you ever had a day filled with a bunch of have tos? A day filled with nothing that you planned? A day filled with schedules, lists and duties? I have had such a evening. I planned to relax, do a little shopping, a little cuddling, some snuggling. But oh no! I'm out in the rain being dutiful, responsible and reliable. Some days I just want to be responsibility-less, to have my not doing something not affect my everything else, my everyone else. What would happen if I didn't do the laundry one day? Or if I didn't remind everyone of their whats and wheres? What would happen if I only thought of me and to heck with everything else? I often feel this way, but am quickly reminded of Luke 12:48.
whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required.
If I am really every overwhelmed with my burdens, my tasks then its probably preparing me to be overwhelmed with my blessings.
And to that I say AMEN & THANK YOU!

Empty Spaces

I spent a good part of my life trying to fill empty spaces with things that didn't fit. I looked for fulfilment in places, people, food and books. The space was meant for God. I would make lists of things I wanted to do, taste, see, experience, go about doing them and still have a space meant for God. Until I realized that, nothing was going to be able to fill it, it stayed empty. I had a huge loneliness for Him. A thirst. I longed for a satisfied feeling to finally fill me. Thank God for revelation that He was my need.
Likewise I think I spent a lifetime loving men, taking care of them, demanding from them all in preparation for 'THE ONE'. Mr. High Hat is a warm soft place for my love to rest. He is my earthly best friend and I love him on a level that I could not imagine before. It makes all the other times, all the other men seem to be in a different league as different as apples and oranges. How could I have ever thought that any of that was love? I will never know, except to maybe show me exactly where this, right now, fits in the scheme of things.
If anyone reading this is stifling what they think, who they are for any significant other, just stop right now. If the person you are with doesn't add to your life in EVERY area, just stop right now. If when you look at him or her and you don't feel completely accepted, stop right now. If you can't sing and dance around them for fear of feeling foolish, turn around and walk away. You should look at them and be at home. They should love you with something only God can give to them to give to you.

***SIGH***

There are some things in my life that I have to face, as I imagine everyone does and has. Some things are frightening, some things are embarrassing and other things are stupid. My biggest fear is that the credibility of who I am will be diminished. Though who I am is very much who i am. My experiences have made me, shaped me. How can I expect anyone else to see me as me if they really knew me? I believe that most can not handle the truth. I have every bit of faith that Mr. Hi Hat can, but it's not his reaction entirely that has me shacking in my boots. Its being exposed. Its having someone REALLY know me. Letting someone know that I'm not perfect that I'm not in control. People have only known parts of me. This will be the first time anyone has know all of me aside from God. I believe it all boils down to trust and control.

Am I passing through?

Sometimes confusion is where you live when you are deciding if your gut is right or if its that little devil on your shoulder.

So It Seems...Nicky

It seems that when you are about to get married, you become a ve-yonce! Are you supposed to dance, sing or wear a ring?
and
If you are affected with that childhood disease, it is known as chicken poffs!

A bit of Thanks, nothing special.

God is amazing! He can make the simplest things, the things you have taken for granted with others, and make them the best, the most satisfying experience in your life to date. A bag of gummy bears with only your favorite ones left, a hand on the small of your back, a wink or a compliment. He makes my day in the simplest ways. Thank you God.

News Flash!

Foolishly, I have been spelling "High Hat" wrong. "Hi Hat" is the correct spelling. **rolling my eyes**!! I kind of like my way better. Its high and it looks like a hat. Its not a salutation after all!! Who thinks of these names anyway? Did anyone check to see if they could really read? I mean really!
OK, I'm back. Mr. Hi Hat it is...

Exchanging His Joy For Your Weakness

A while ago I posted this:
"A friendship with benefits is a relationship without accountability to another person. Never allow yourself to be in the life of someone who wants no part in your happiness. That is essentially a selfish situation that only benefits one person at a time. While relationships and friendships should be mutually gratifying and dually accountable. Oh, the freedom you have in expression, acceptance and camaraderie when you know that a person not only benefits you, but you benefit them."
Little did I know how true it really was. Today I implore you to never settle, never be anyone other than yourself. Never be bound. The song writer says to "Be determined to live life with not chains". Don't be regretful about your past, it made you who you are today, lessons should have been learned. Lessons you needed for a time such as this. Love yourself enough to be loved the right way.

Stretch 2, 3, 4

I worked out today. Not lifting weights, not running in place, but I exercised my faith. I let go and let God. I dropped a subject because it was done and not becuase I won. I argued kindly, I spoke in soft tones. I laughed if it was funny and hugged when it was time. I went the road less traveled and down an unbeaten path. I stretched and I pulled, bent and released.
Thank you God for your grace and mercy even when you know I'm as wrong as wrong can get

Man Hands

Not the Seinfeld type. Not the meat cutting type. But the ones that are strong and slightly callused from work or art that can either subdue a situation that may be too much for you or lead you to higher ground. The ones that carry your bags, heavy or not because you're his lady. The ones that can calm a storm in you. The ones that can still your heart with a surety that all is well. Man hands. The ones that take out your trash, that opens your doors. The ones that rub your back or run your bath. The man hands that mean business and gets results. The man hands that quiet babies and pays for dinner. The man hands that hold a bible or makes a fist. The ones that comb through your hair. The ones that holds your hands. The ones that drive you, inspire you. The man hands that pray for you. The man hands that are attached to the man you love and the man God sent.

He Will Use Anything and Anyone..Whew!

I have two boys of my own. They are wonderful. Sweet, polite, smart and very funny. HOWEVER!
They are a life lesson everyday. God uses them to show me me. In every way that is out of order with them God shows me how I am out of order with Him. This may be why I get soooo angry at them. Its like I have to fuss at myself as well! It is like a slap in the face everyday. Yet, I have to teach them and guide them, tell them whats right. With them, its mostly obedience and submission. But this is where the story get interesting. There is a young lady in my life that has somehow stepped into a role I thought would never be filled. Didn't know it needed filing really. Everything I try to impart into her or have opportunity to share whats right or not right with her is yet again another slap in the face. She has shown me me as well. I can except that there are areas I need to work on, but how did she or was she able to step right into the same role as my children, a daughter? I don't know what God is up to, but I'm glad he knows what he is doing. Cause I'm so driving with no hands at this point...

Exactly Where is the Peep Hole?

So, as if I need more introspection? On our usual travels home, Mr. High Hat and I talk about the funny things that make up our day, maybe a little about life, maybe a little about, current events. Today however, he seemed intent on peeling the skin off me and stepping inside of me to make me the most uncomfortable I have ever been around a man. If I could have jumped out of the window or cussed or punched him I would have. I was in a place that probably had to be or HAS to be exposed and I guess dealt with. Its not something I don't know. Its just that I was hoping to deal with it on my own before he found out about it and sort of surprise everyone with the new and improved Me. Not that I'm not darn near close to perfection ;). But I guess everyone could use some improvement!! I'm finding out that either he has always known certain things about me or is very discerning. Either way, its scary. I thought I wore the mask, but I guess its not very good. So, from here, I do what? Continue to let iron sharpen iron or fight back like I really want to? I'm voting for fighting back, I mean it says iron sharpen iron, not iron sharpen cotton!

Confronted with yourself

So, here I am face to face with someone who isn't more messed up than me. Someone who takes a look at life through the eyes of God and has experienced and gained wisdom. Mr. High Hat keeps looking at me with those same eyes and keeps figuring out pieces of me. This is gonna be a problem. I have worked many years keeping me under wraps. But every time I turn around he's looking at me and telling what the Lord says about this and what the Lord says about that. I know what you are saying, "this is what I prayed for". That may be true, but I didn't expect it to be a case where I would have to change and grow so much as a result. I figured that him being saved and wise would mean that we would be in agreement, not that he would really have to pastor ME. This is going to be much harder than I thought.

Flowing from my heart...

I choose to be grateful today. Today I feel loved. Today I feel special, today I am the greatest me there is. My God loves me more than anyone else can love me. My man loves me and he makes sure I know it, not just everyday, but all through the day. My kids love me* and they are the apple of my eye.

Mr. High Hat

From this moment forth my sexy knight in shiny armor will be known as Mr. High Hat.
Let it be said, let it be done.

I'm Baaaaaaack!!!!

So, It has been a veeery long time since I have had anything to say. Suffice it to say, I now have tons. I met the man of my dreams, he resided right under my nose, I tripped over him daily. If he were a snake he would have bit me. I couldn't see the forest for the trees. etc, etc, etc. Have you ever had a dish that was not only satisfactory, but pretty darn good? Just to one day trek to some dive and realize that the food you had been consuming was by comparison, garbage? When you taste it, you almost wet your pants and have to audibly moan from sheer elation. My experience with him has been just that. He is literally like a dream come true. His ordinary has been extraordinary. I will keep you posted.

Nicky note: Although we are marriage minded, hearing the kids talk about it is a little odd. Nicky while chatting with us, when from out of nowhere, he called him "Mr. Daddy" I imediatly pretended to be deeply asleep.

There are days when the peace and quiet aren't what you need. Sometimes I need the noise of life to distract me from me. There are days when introspection is completely unwanted. Days when looking into one's self is a mirror best left covered. If you have a moment, a second that is not about anyone else but you, what do you do? Do you celebrate all that is right with you or does the minutia of all you long for or all you've missed out on weigh you down with heavy thickness?

Problem Solved!

Niece has just lost a tooth. New sister has agreed to let me "borrow" the tooth after her tooth fairy. Trickery? I think not! I call it resourceful! Who are you to judge. You don't have a Nicky looking at you with old eyes that are sure to remember this when you are old and feeble. I'm going to need my diaper changed on a regular basis!

Bad, Bad Mommy!

So, yet again I stand as the sole voice of the unconventional mother. A mother who has no idea what time her children were born, only that the oldest was born during Seinfeld, how much they weighed (maybe around 6 or 7 pounds, I guess). I don't carry pictures of them (but I know they are cute), no idea the day they started walking or when they said their first word. It's all I can do to make sure they are clean, fed and educated. When Nicky lost his first 2 teeth he was the most excited person I have ever seen! He said "I'm sure I'm taller now Mama, because my tooth came out!" He held his little index and thumb about an inch apart and said that the tooth fairy was thiiiis big! He couldn't wait until he put it under his pillow for her. We were all so excited. However, this front tooth escapade of recent ended in...well let me just start. this top incisor was loose for days. Hanging on by a thread. So Thursday or was it Wednesday (see, I don't know) it came out in school. Well his extra "special" teacher put it in a tissue. His cute little face was very happy and off we went. I, being a good mother said let me hold it so we wont lose it before bed time. I took it and put in my bag's pocket. Well it goes without saying that come bed time, I could not find the stupid tooth anywhere. I opened every snotty tissue in that darn bag and found no little tooth! So being the ever present example setter, I called little Nicky out and said "baby, I can't find your tooth anywhere" Out comes the trembling bottom lip. Shame and disgrace comes on full force. So, I have to fix this, right? Right! Would you guess that I have to write a letter of explanation to the tooth fairy admitting my guilt and begging her highness to please give my deserving son a dollar despite his buffoon of a mother. He put this note under his pillow. Oh the humiliation! I don't care if it is imaginary!!!! It sucked! However unconventional I am I get the same results and manage to teach my unconventional son a valuable lesson. I guess I'll take a page out of his book - "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I guess I really blew it, accidents do happen, they happen every day"! Whatever accident you may be apart of, it is your responsibility to try and fix it, even if it means begging little bugger fairies!

Yes, I know. but I have been busy...

Lots to tell - Brother Buck-buck-buck got hitched. Uncle took over the house. Stay tuned...gotta get some sleep now.

Phenomenon Called Opposing Rootpherdemolot

When you begin with the greatest of intentions, to enable your offspring to have a well rounded up-bringing. Only to realize that either them or their team is quite good and your life that has ceased being your own anyway, has stretched into what is known as the black hole or the “Post-season”. You secretly root for the other team to whoop the socks off of your team (Opposing Rootpherdemolot) all the while you buy juice boxes and invest in the Gatorade corp. and scream for joy (or is it pain) when your team scores. You wonder if anyone would notice you anointing their heads with oil and praying with them before the game. Perhaps you could sneak over there and tell them all of your teams trade secrets. Would your kid notice. You could let them know who wets the bed or who sleeps with a Binky. Teasing goes along way when it comes to distraction!

What I learned From Nicky Today

I learned that Johnny Depp starred in "Pirates of Diabetes."

I learned how to make Xavier mad with an apology song (has to be sung in a monotoned voice - "I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I guess I really blew it, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I'm sorry, sorry, sorry, accidents do happen, they happen everyday." LMBO!!!

I learned that if I wanted to see TWO lizards it is entirely possible, but only because I have TWO eyes. Evidentally the number of like objects you can see is in direct corolation to the number of eyes you have.

Guess who...

As a one armed man swept the floor of the laundry room, I hear this in an unreal loud voice--"Ma can I help him sweep, you know he only has one arm, he needs help"

As an African man repeatedly tells me something in an accent so heavy that I have to just giggle and pretend to understand, I hear a voice saying this in an out of this world loud voice-- "Ma, do you know what he is saying? He must be speaking Spanish!"

As we are standing in line behind a 'ahem' manly dressed women, I say let's get in line behind her. What do I hear in a bust your ear drums loud voice --"That is not a lady!!"

And that's when I say "Yes officer, that is my son, but I had to pretend that I didn't know him, so I wont get into an altercation every time we go out!"

Here Comes the Groom and the Ring Bearer and the Bible Boy...

So, my baby brother is getting married. However, that is not the amazing part. The amazing part is that he asked his nephews (my kids) to be in the wedding! Well, if nothing else he is brave or really really looking to have a memorable wedding (story to be posted soon - I'm sure!). Nicky the younger one, has never heard of a tux before, being only 5. So, him being very excited about the whole event, he wanted to call everyone and tell them that he was going to be in a wedding. Of course, him being an 'old soul' could not remember the name tux. He wisely told everyone " I can't remember the name of what I'm wearing, it's a fancy suit". After talking to the third person, he became frustrated with himself and said to his brother, "I can't remember the name, but I'm playing flag football in April!" That little bugger tried to change the subject!! This was too funny to me.

Spring has Sprung!!

Well, it's my time of year...SPRING! Not only do flowers bloom, but so do ideas and a renewed sense of hope in EVERYTHING. I feel great this time of year, as if I could fly! Like I could serve the Lord more, write more, be more, say more, do more!! I am completely inspired by the thought of spring. Yesterday, peaking out of the snow were little shoots! Green shoot of some hideous plant that I happen to think resemble knotty puff balls on the ground in full bloom, but the thought of it coming out, emerging to begin again is wonderful to me. Even with snow on the ground the wind that blew seemed to be warm and talkative. Saying to me, you can do it, you can do anything!! Did I say I love spring!?! Light jackets, Easter baskets, yellow dresses and chocolate bunnies! Breezy days, tulips, pleated skirt and jelly beans! Who wouldn't love spring?

Being A Bad Liar - To Be Mocked or Highlighted??

What do you tell your kid when they lie very badly? Do you let them know because it is so absurd or do you let it ride because you don't want them to get any better? This is where I am. My son, for some odd reason doesn't like to keep his head clean; teeth, face, eyes, ears, hair. We are in a constant struggle with teeth brushing and face washing. How can you have orange bits and juice stuck all over your chin and with a straight face tell me that you washed it?!! I mean my fingers literally stuck to his face there was so much on there! Drool lines were making it's way to his ear! However, he is adamant about having washed it. So, being the kind of person I am (the give 'em enough rope...kind of gal) I say well wash it now. So, as I'm handing him his cloth, why is it as dry as if I just took it out of the dryer??!! I hand it to him and say, "and you are still going to tell me that you washed your face?" He looked me straight in the eyes and said, "I just wrung it out really good". ...And that officer is when I blacked out, I have no idea how he ended up over there, honest!

Side bar...

A friendship with benefits is a relationship without accountability to another person. Never allow yourself to be in the life of someone who wants no part in your happiness. That is essentially a selfish situation that only benefits one person at a time. While relationships and friendships should be mutually gratifying and dually accountable. Oh, the freedom you have in expression, acceptance and camaraderie when you know that a person not only benefits you, but you benefit them.

Do you know the words? Sing anyway...

Today I played a game that while fun, ministered to me tremendously. This was a family game that did not require you compete against each other but instead work together to fight a common evil. In addition to being united and contributing to the common goal, it also required you to sing with all your heart in order to get your presents! To me it could be looked upon as a model of life. Wouldn't it be nice to live in a world, town, or home where you all were a team, working together for a common goal and that you could be free enough to sing out loud without judgement, with abandonment. Let's all strive to at least sing with abandonment, be free and except only that judgement with comes from God and have that lift your shoulders up, and ignore the weight of the world that have the common goal to only bring you down. Align with the common goal of enlightenment, share your joy, share your hope, share your peace, which is in Him.

BE IN LOVE with the ones you love and let them know

Ever spend more time reading the directions, memorizing the rules, learning the background than you do playing the game? If life is about moments then why do we do that? It's important to know the way, but one day, years will go by and the only thing we will have is the fact that we are "subject matter experts" on life having never lived. A sad state of affairs, an easy trap to fall in. I vow to live my moments, create my moment, share my moments. I vow to live without regrets as much as possible. I implore you to do the same. record them in not only your mind, but in the minds of those you love. Have them remember you with laughs and not regrets.

Chapstick and Winter Hats = Bane

I don't even know where to begin because, on the surface it seems absurd. However, my frustration is so genuine that I can't deny its huge importance in my complex mind (wink, wink). Have you ever misplaced the remote for days only to watch the re-runs of MASH for 4 hours before you get in your car and run to the nearest Walmart to buy another? How many times have you done this? How many will you do it? How many remotes are you wiling to buy before your hair begins to fall out and you strangle the person who keeps putting it in weird places like the window sill or behind a potted plant or in the sock drawer or under the grapes in the fridge??!! Perhaps you aren't the remote-crutch type. Maybe its the mail box key for you that provokes the post office to believe you are dead because your mail has not been picked up in two and a half weeks. Maybe for you it is the lunch that you leave on the counter every day instead of taking it to work.
Well, for me, it is my son and chapstick!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do you sense my frustration. He will have a tube on Monday only to nonchalantly tell me on Wednesday that someone broke into the house while we were at basketball practice and stole it out of his room in the designated area!!AARRRGGGHHH!!! Can you believe this "frack-a-nackle bull"???!! When he said this I really wanted to kick the legs out from under his chair and just walk away! Why you may be asking does this bother me so? Those of you with bottomless pockets may not understand but I must spend $8 a month on Chapstick which is $96 a year on top of how much I spend on winter hats!
Winter hats (let me breathe first)...OK, this little boy will leave the house with a very nice, warm hat. Will he come home with it? Oh no! Like being in the middle of winter in a snow storm or the pouring rain doesn't remind him that hey, my head is cold!! Unbelievable! Hat 1 gone, week 1 down. Week 2 I say little boy please put your hat in either your back pack or your sleeve. Well, week 2 down, hat 2 gone!! Well you just wont have a hat, but the ice pelting him on the head makes me sad for him and off I go to buy a few more hats!! GONE! GONE! GONE!!! At some point I can't tell if its his hat and chapstick handicap that is driving me crazy or the fact that he doesn't seem to care, that bugs me to no end! Either way, the stupid hats and the dumb chapsticks are the bane of my existence. Next time I'll tell you about Nicky's shoes that make me want to hurl them across a room with a tribal guttural yell!!
I need a nap.

Sometimes...

There are just some days... Some days when the grass not only looks greener, but smells pretty and shines, butterflies live there that quietly whisper your name while promising you warm chocolate chip cookies. There are some days when your coffee is bitter and your can't decide on lunch. There are some days when even a hug from a sweet faced cheeky little one or a love-y round one can't push the eeyorness of it all away. There are some days when things seem so unfair, not in that day but in your life in general that it chokes you. There are some days when even the right things in your life seems a minute in compensation, for all that is either missing or hasn't happened yet. From afar off you see the waves coming, doubt, self pity, fear, longing, jealously, regret. Oh, but the love of Jesus. No greater love I've found. My advocate, my savior, my love. No GREATER love I've found. I can't stop the flood, the regrets the greener grass, but I will stand on the rock. Let the waves come splash around my ankles, the Lord will always raise up a standard.

side bar

...when removing hair from your upper lip using a depilatory cream, do not, I repeat, do not brush your teeth. Even if you happen (like me) to not touch the cream with your toothbrush, you will inevitably lick your lips and be fooled only for a split second that the mint you taste was only toothpaste. However the burning in your mouth will quickly let you know that you are not only wrong, but stupid!

Am I getting old

There is this thing that happens to all of the blessed folks I know. Growing old. The alternative is not appealing to me. However, the things that come along with it leave something to be desired. Stiff knees. Achy back. Gray hair. Failing memory. Bring them on. I can take those with no problem. A bottle of dye, a few post-its and some Ben-gay, I'm good to go. I'm even looking forward to menopause. Nicky and Xavier are more than enough for me. I have hair growing in places I care not to mention. Is this God's ugly joke on single women? He brings you close in age to your sexual peak, but gives you a beard and mustache to fend off any attractive suitors!!! Abstinence by way of fur!! I'm thinking of becoming a side-show freak. I spend more on wax, creams and other apparatuses than I do on toothpaste! I'm afraid to pray for the hair to stop growing or to go away for fear that my fun loving God will take it from off my head instead of my chin!! I'm afraid of turning into "My aunt with the beard" Lord help me please!

Obama

We did it. Thank you Jesus. Now maybe I can get a cab in this town.

I've been silent for too long. It's 2009!

What is Nicky up to today? Well not today, but here goes...
Mr. Nicky has a habit of saying whatever is on his mind and his mind...lets just say his mind is unlike any other 5 year old you will ever meet. His cute little round face and one little dimple are either hiding behind sarcasm or up front and bright with "little kid" honesty. Both are scary. Once when he was three he saw a picture of one of my friends and asked me if she was a gorilla! After a bout of laughing (a good 5 10 minutes, i'm sure) I said "no, that is my friend". So with complete seriousness, he asked, "well is she dressed like a gorilla?" What can you do with someone like that? More recently he told me that he did not need pajama tops because the hair on his back would keep him warm! He told my sister that his dad had gained weight and now looks like Kung-Fu Panda. To other's he is an "uh-oh" kid, to me, he is a deep sigh of exasperation. What can you say to that dimple?