The Absence of a Reason, Does Not Thrust You Into That Actuality

Ever been in the middle of answering a question with your standard answer or with what you have always known to be true, just to realize in the middle of said answer. that none of it is true anymore? You're not only wondering when it happened but what is it that is now true, what do you really believe. In the middle of some question, I realized that my definition of trust had changed. I had been believing that I was trusting people because I had no reason to not trust them. While running this through my mind in an effort to answer another question posed by Mr. Hi Hat, I suddenly understood that I trust him because of who he is, his heart, his proven integrity, his proven faithfulness and most of all because I trust God. I have plenty of reasons to not trust him, so the absence of reasons was not a factor. Despite it all he has my trust because I know him, his heart and I believe him, his words. Its not new, its been tried, its been through some things, its been knocked around a bit, but its still standing. Solid. God is the funniest. I don't think I have ever really trusted anyone else. I'm sure it doesn't always take 21 years to trust someone, but like love, its not instant nor is it easy.

Overtaken Me

Have you ever had a day filled with a bunch of have tos? A day filled with nothing that you planned? A day filled with schedules, lists and duties? I have had such a evening. I planned to relax, do a little shopping, a little cuddling, some snuggling. But oh no! I'm out in the rain being dutiful, responsible and reliable. Some days I just want to be responsibility-less, to have my not doing something not affect my everything else, my everyone else. What would happen if I didn't do the laundry one day? Or if I didn't remind everyone of their whats and wheres? What would happen if I only thought of me and to heck with everything else? I often feel this way, but am quickly reminded of Luke 12:48.
whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required.
If I am really every overwhelmed with my burdens, my tasks then its probably preparing me to be overwhelmed with my blessings.
And to that I say AMEN & THANK YOU!

Empty Spaces

I spent a good part of my life trying to fill empty spaces with things that didn't fit. I looked for fulfilment in places, people, food and books. The space was meant for God. I would make lists of things I wanted to do, taste, see, experience, go about doing them and still have a space meant for God. Until I realized that, nothing was going to be able to fill it, it stayed empty. I had a huge loneliness for Him. A thirst. I longed for a satisfied feeling to finally fill me. Thank God for revelation that He was my need.
Likewise I think I spent a lifetime loving men, taking care of them, demanding from them all in preparation for 'THE ONE'. Mr. High Hat is a warm soft place for my love to rest. He is my earthly best friend and I love him on a level that I could not imagine before. It makes all the other times, all the other men seem to be in a different league as different as apples and oranges. How could I have ever thought that any of that was love? I will never know, except to maybe show me exactly where this, right now, fits in the scheme of things.
If anyone reading this is stifling what they think, who they are for any significant other, just stop right now. If the person you are with doesn't add to your life in EVERY area, just stop right now. If when you look at him or her and you don't feel completely accepted, stop right now. If you can't sing and dance around them for fear of feeling foolish, turn around and walk away. You should look at them and be at home. They should love you with something only God can give to them to give to you.

***SIGH***

There are some things in my life that I have to face, as I imagine everyone does and has. Some things are frightening, some things are embarrassing and other things are stupid. My biggest fear is that the credibility of who I am will be diminished. Though who I am is very much who i am. My experiences have made me, shaped me. How can I expect anyone else to see me as me if they really knew me? I believe that most can not handle the truth. I have every bit of faith that Mr. Hi Hat can, but it's not his reaction entirely that has me shacking in my boots. Its being exposed. Its having someone REALLY know me. Letting someone know that I'm not perfect that I'm not in control. People have only known parts of me. This will be the first time anyone has know all of me aside from God. I believe it all boils down to trust and control.

Am I passing through?

Sometimes confusion is where you live when you are deciding if your gut is right or if its that little devil on your shoulder.

So It Seems...Nicky

It seems that when you are about to get married, you become a ve-yonce! Are you supposed to dance, sing or wear a ring?
and
If you are affected with that childhood disease, it is known as chicken poffs!

A bit of Thanks, nothing special.

God is amazing! He can make the simplest things, the things you have taken for granted with others, and make them the best, the most satisfying experience in your life to date. A bag of gummy bears with only your favorite ones left, a hand on the small of your back, a wink or a compliment. He makes my day in the simplest ways. Thank you God.

News Flash!

Foolishly, I have been spelling "High Hat" wrong. "Hi Hat" is the correct spelling. **rolling my eyes**!! I kind of like my way better. Its high and it looks like a hat. Its not a salutation after all!! Who thinks of these names anyway? Did anyone check to see if they could really read? I mean really!
OK, I'm back. Mr. Hi Hat it is...

Exchanging His Joy For Your Weakness

A while ago I posted this:
"A friendship with benefits is a relationship without accountability to another person. Never allow yourself to be in the life of someone who wants no part in your happiness. That is essentially a selfish situation that only benefits one person at a time. While relationships and friendships should be mutually gratifying and dually accountable. Oh, the freedom you have in expression, acceptance and camaraderie when you know that a person not only benefits you, but you benefit them."
Little did I know how true it really was. Today I implore you to never settle, never be anyone other than yourself. Never be bound. The song writer says to "Be determined to live life with not chains". Don't be regretful about your past, it made you who you are today, lessons should have been learned. Lessons you needed for a time such as this. Love yourself enough to be loved the right way.

Stretch 2, 3, 4

I worked out today. Not lifting weights, not running in place, but I exercised my faith. I let go and let God. I dropped a subject because it was done and not becuase I won. I argued kindly, I spoke in soft tones. I laughed if it was funny and hugged when it was time. I went the road less traveled and down an unbeaten path. I stretched and I pulled, bent and released.
Thank you God for your grace and mercy even when you know I'm as wrong as wrong can get

Man Hands

Not the Seinfeld type. Not the meat cutting type. But the ones that are strong and slightly callused from work or art that can either subdue a situation that may be too much for you or lead you to higher ground. The ones that carry your bags, heavy or not because you're his lady. The ones that can calm a storm in you. The ones that can still your heart with a surety that all is well. Man hands. The ones that take out your trash, that opens your doors. The ones that rub your back or run your bath. The man hands that mean business and gets results. The man hands that quiet babies and pays for dinner. The man hands that hold a bible or makes a fist. The ones that comb through your hair. The ones that holds your hands. The ones that drive you, inspire you. The man hands that pray for you. The man hands that are attached to the man you love and the man God sent.

He Will Use Anything and Anyone..Whew!

I have two boys of my own. They are wonderful. Sweet, polite, smart and very funny. HOWEVER!
They are a life lesson everyday. God uses them to show me me. In every way that is out of order with them God shows me how I am out of order with Him. This may be why I get soooo angry at them. Its like I have to fuss at myself as well! It is like a slap in the face everyday. Yet, I have to teach them and guide them, tell them whats right. With them, its mostly obedience and submission. But this is where the story get interesting. There is a young lady in my life that has somehow stepped into a role I thought would never be filled. Didn't know it needed filing really. Everything I try to impart into her or have opportunity to share whats right or not right with her is yet again another slap in the face. She has shown me me as well. I can except that there are areas I need to work on, but how did she or was she able to step right into the same role as my children, a daughter? I don't know what God is up to, but I'm glad he knows what he is doing. Cause I'm so driving with no hands at this point...

Exactly Where is the Peep Hole?

So, as if I need more introspection? On our usual travels home, Mr. High Hat and I talk about the funny things that make up our day, maybe a little about life, maybe a little about, current events. Today however, he seemed intent on peeling the skin off me and stepping inside of me to make me the most uncomfortable I have ever been around a man. If I could have jumped out of the window or cussed or punched him I would have. I was in a place that probably had to be or HAS to be exposed and I guess dealt with. Its not something I don't know. Its just that I was hoping to deal with it on my own before he found out about it and sort of surprise everyone with the new and improved Me. Not that I'm not darn near close to perfection ;). But I guess everyone could use some improvement!! I'm finding out that either he has always known certain things about me or is very discerning. Either way, its scary. I thought I wore the mask, but I guess its not very good. So, from here, I do what? Continue to let iron sharpen iron or fight back like I really want to? I'm voting for fighting back, I mean it says iron sharpen iron, not iron sharpen cotton!

Confronted with yourself

So, here I am face to face with someone who isn't more messed up than me. Someone who takes a look at life through the eyes of God and has experienced and gained wisdom. Mr. High Hat keeps looking at me with those same eyes and keeps figuring out pieces of me. This is gonna be a problem. I have worked many years keeping me under wraps. But every time I turn around he's looking at me and telling what the Lord says about this and what the Lord says about that. I know what you are saying, "this is what I prayed for". That may be true, but I didn't expect it to be a case where I would have to change and grow so much as a result. I figured that him being saved and wise would mean that we would be in agreement, not that he would really have to pastor ME. This is going to be much harder than I thought.

Flowing from my heart...

I choose to be grateful today. Today I feel loved. Today I feel special, today I am the greatest me there is. My God loves me more than anyone else can love me. My man loves me and he makes sure I know it, not just everyday, but all through the day. My kids love me* and they are the apple of my eye.

Mr. High Hat

From this moment forth my sexy knight in shiny armor will be known as Mr. High Hat.
Let it be said, let it be done.

I'm Baaaaaaack!!!!

So, It has been a veeery long time since I have had anything to say. Suffice it to say, I now have tons. I met the man of my dreams, he resided right under my nose, I tripped over him daily. If he were a snake he would have bit me. I couldn't see the forest for the trees. etc, etc, etc. Have you ever had a dish that was not only satisfactory, but pretty darn good? Just to one day trek to some dive and realize that the food you had been consuming was by comparison, garbage? When you taste it, you almost wet your pants and have to audibly moan from sheer elation. My experience with him has been just that. He is literally like a dream come true. His ordinary has been extraordinary. I will keep you posted.

Nicky note: Although we are marriage minded, hearing the kids talk about it is a little odd. Nicky while chatting with us, when from out of nowhere, he called him "Mr. Daddy" I imediatly pretended to be deeply asleep.