Geeze!

I hate washing dishes. I don't know what else to say!

Sometimes Bravery Has No Immediate Rewards

If a house was on fire and you knew there to be a family inside, will you be the one to run in and save them? Do you call the fire department? Do you become a spectator while someone else takes charge of the situation when you are the best person for the job? Or do you pray that they just walk out alive?

The other day I walked into a burning building and saved myself. I pulled out my self esteem, my integrity, my heart and my peace of mind. I could not allow myself to go up in flames. However the damage I experienced from the rescue lingers on. Smoke inhalation, 3rd degree burns, post traumatic stress, broken bones, fatigue = loneliness, regret, fear, anger, hurt, jealousy. Sometimes you have to be the one to take charge of your own life. Sometimes you have to make a hard decision to save yourself. You cant wait for others to begin to do right, or begin to walk right or begin to see it like you do. You can't wait for it to "work itself out" or for the dust to settle. You may perish in that time. You may damage the very thing the Lord has told you to protect. So, while the pain in the midst of doing what I know to be right is fresh and new and raw, with no end in sight, I have to fight for my sanity, for my peace. I had to take it by force. The wilderness is not a fun place to be...

I just don't know which is worse. The fire or the rescue. I'm waiting to see the results of my rescue. Waiting to see the Lord.

In the mean time; My heart wants to stop beating, but that is not an option. I would like to hide or hibernate; again, not an option. I'm not sure how people without the Lord in their life deal with anything. My hope is what keeps me going. Otherwise...

I know I'm pretty vague right now, but this is meant as a word of encouragement to all of those that feel taking a step away is harder than staying. Fight for yourself. Fight for your right to be happy and at peace. Remember the old cliche "if it was yours to begin with or if it was meant to be, it will come back to you" Hold on to hope in God though, not in man.

Peace people, peace.

...

So much has gone on since the last time I wrote to you. I'm not sure how to express it all. I will say that life teaches you things that you never wanted to learn. Disappointments are greatest when you have the most the win. Inevitably having the most to win means you have much to lose. I never thought of myself as a gambler, or a huge risk taker for the vast majority of my life. However, a romantic is indeed the biggest risk taker of them all. I never realized it before. Every time I say I love you, I risk my entire heart for a small chance to have it filled with a helpmate's smile. Every time I allow someone into who I am, I throw the dice. Its all because of free will. Even God wont make people behave in the way He desires. It has to be their choice. So, I love. Without restraint, without a boundery and I always will. I am never sorry that I'm this way. I'm never sorry that I love completely. It is who I am and, who God made me to be. I like that about me. So while my heart teeters on a small, narrow stick, high above the clouds, I will continue on in who I am because God always heals me. He always keeps me and I am grateful. In His time my heart will mend, as it always does. In His time 'the one' will walk through that door. In His time it will all work out. When joy comes in the morning. I be there waiting on it with open arms. But i'm not changing the core me not for this world. Who am I? A romantic. A solider. An optimist. A perseverer. A child of the Most High.